twenty-two seconds to live

This last weekend, Marissa and I drove up to LA to meet with Cory and a co-worker of his, Mike.

The chain of events that led to this, and the events that ensued, are pretty crazy so I’m going to just vomit out a list of points to get this started.

• Joseph Mazzello was that little kid in Jurassic Park, and Elijah Wood’s brother in Radio Flyer. He is “all grown up” now, which means he has a patchy beard, a too-thin Hollywood girlfriend, and a film degree from USC.
• Mike, Cory’s coworker, started the Joseph Mazzello fan club more than 10 years ago. Mike was already a grown man when this happened. Mr. Mazzello was probably about 12 years old then. Nothing odd here…
• Mr. Mazzello “recently” wrote, directed, and starred in a short film titled Matters of Life and Death, which premiered on campus at USC this weekend. I say “recently” because the film is 30 minutes long, is a “concept short film,” and I guess took about 2 years to make.
• Mike “coproduced” this film, which means he leveraged his fan club Internet forums into money for the production.
• Mike had seats for the premier, and he invited Cory. Cory invited me and Marissa.
• Cory did not enumerate the points above, we were just invited to “a short film premier with him and a coworker,” and since L.A. is middle ground for the two of us, it seemed like a good chance to visit. Also the prospect of taking Marissa to anything remotely Hollywood-connected seemed like it would be well-received, so off we went.

Saturday, 4:45 PM: Marissa and I arrive at the hotel that Cory and Mike are staying at and get ready to go to the show. Mike is anxious to get moving before we even check in. He had wanted to leave at 5 in order to make it to USC by 6, since the show was ‘overseated’ and as it started at 7, he wanted to make sure we all got seats. We were ready to go at 5:15. Mike was not.

5:30 PM: En Route to USC, we learn that Mike is a coproducer for the film and close friends with Mr. Mazzello. It seems silly he was concerned about not getting seats.

6:00 PM: We get to USC, but nobody has any idea where this theater is, or where to park. I find it odd that Mike does not know these things. Cory drops us off to find the theater on foot, and he goes to look for a parking space. We get to carry some boxes of programs while we wander around.

6:15 PM: We found the theater. There are red velvet ropes and red carpets and minibars set up. I’m feeling great about this and Marissa looks absolutely stunning. I meet Joseph Mazzello, he’s happy people are showing up and that Mike brought the boxes of programs. I later reflect on this and shudder that Joseph Mazzello now probably just assumes I’m in his fan club because I was helping Mike carry boxes.

THERE IS FREE WINE AND VODKA.

7:00 PM: Time to start the film, right? Wrong. Nothing happens on-time in Hollywood. Marissa and I are slowly bleeding this operation dry of wine, one tiny plastic cup at a time. We’ve met an astonishingly disparate cadre of individuals so far. The entire event was an oil-and-water mix of Hollywood’s young and hopeful, and awkward Internet nerds. People from the Elijah Wood fan forums even showed up, apparently because they “got beef” with the Joseph Mazzello nerds, and had to make a public showing, or something. I still don’t really understand what was happening with that.

7:15 PM: Rachel Leigh Cook and Daniel Gillies arrive. They are the biggest stars at this event, and both had small roles in the film. This causes quite a stir amongst the nerds who expend a huge amount of energy trying not to be creepy and awkward. This only makes them more creepy and awkward.

7:45 PM: It’s time to start the film, for real. We file into the theater. For being overseated. there sure are a lot of empty seats. I will put a review of the film itself in my next update.

8:30 PM: We’re watching as the credits roll, and it’s like a god-damned NPR contributor list. I think the reason this film took 2 years to make is that they lost a lot of time embroidering free tote bags for “Silver” members, or rubes who donated at least $50. Every single one of them is in the credits. Oh, and Mr. Mazzello calls out and thanks all of his young and hip friends and producers, but omits mentioning his fan club manager slash coproducer. This is probably a good career move for him.

8:45 PM: It’s time for more drinking outside. Now there is louder music, more meet-and-greets, and the occasional fit of dancing by people who probably learned dancing from a 12-step program for white people. Cory, Marissa, and I walk to Burger King while Mike hangs out at the party.

9:22 PM: The Butterfinger Creme Pie from Burger King is pretty good. I should have another one sometime.

9:45 PM: We return to the party and discover flyers for the afterparty, at L’Scorpion on Hollywood Boulevard. Movie Premiere Afterparty! Exclusive Access! More Drinking! Things are starting to look up! Mike has a ride with some other fans, so Cory, Marissa, and I head off to the afterparty.

10:45 PM: An hour later we have managed to drive the 6 miles to the club and find a parking spot. The cast and such, who left after us, are already there. I swear there must be some celebrity-only system of pneumatic tubes under the streets of L.A.

Cocktails are 10 dollars. COCKTAILS ARE 10 DOLLARS.

Let’s be frank now; I wasn’t ever expecting something akin to what I imagine the wrap party for Boogie Nights was like. I wasn’t disappointed that nobody was doing cocaine off of Uma Thurman’s ass. That being said, this was a pretty lame party. Marissa and I go to karaoke night at a cheesy dive bar in Clairemont Mesa every Friday and there is 10 times the energy and excitement in that place than there was here. More floppy awkward dancing by barely post-puberty actors, and sullen and creepy staring by the fan club types.

We managed to score the last empty table in the place, and briefly felt like rockstars. As soon as it was discovered that there were seats open with “Normal People,” however, our table rapidly filled up with angsty nerds who proceeded to order all kinds of nachos and shit, and then sit and eat in silence. So much for that!

Cory was having a marginally good time talking about voice acting with a couple of folks, and I didn’t want to completely crush his vibe so we roll with it. Marissa and I have two drinks each and decide to just sit and wait for Cory to be done. We make it back to the hotel at like 2 and fall asleep. After a late breakfast at Denny’s with Cory and Mike, we headed home.

Lessons Learned:

1. Hollywood is not that great.
2. Joseph Mazzello is not bothered that his fan club consists largely of creepy old men.
3. Joseph Mazzello has a fan club.
4. The Denny’s by LAX has some of the shittiest service I’ve ever experienced, even for a Denny’s.

Film review forthcoming.