Field Guide to the North American Security Software Support Customer (Volume 1) April 15th, 2008
Greetings and salutations, readers.
It is the goal of this text to provide you with all the necessary information to identify, communicate with, avoid, or even defend yourself from the various purchasers of security software products and their incessant stream of neuroses and vitriol.
Please be advised that as the author of this text, I take no personal responsibility for the misuse of the information contained herein, and will not accept any liability for injury or mental illness that may result from the use of this guide by untrained individuals.
#1 – The Unashamed Pornography Enthusiast
This creature is often spotted with the most heavily infected of machines, incongruently coupled with an almost maddening fatalism. They will call you, laugh and joke, and be completely indifferent to the severe nature of their problems. Scientists believe this behavior evolved over numerous iterations of technical support personnel providing a “safety net” for their vices and their aftermath. Consequently, these are also frequently known as “repeat offenders” for their unabashed capacity to reinfect their computers almost immediately after having them cleaned.
Warning: Be especially wary of attempting to provide support to this species via remote desktop. Often, their desktop wallpaper will be the most vile and crass image they currently possess. Some observers believe this is like plumage in some birds, as a display of biological suitability. The desktop itself will also frequently be festively adorned with files and folders having equally offensive titles. Pretending they simply do not exist is generally regarded as the safest course of action.
Coming Soon:Â Grandma in Wyoming, The Oblivious Parent, The Junior Hacker, The Canadian Sysadmin, and The 80-year-old Power User
